I have noticed I have an overwhelming saddle of guilt. I see it in moments when I am tired,
or my ability to complete things falls short. It really follows me everywhere, and I am starting to see how absurdly contradictory it is. In spite of the knowledge that guilt will do me no good on a daily bases, I still feel it crawling its long clammy claws through the folds of each day and burdening my sheer existence with its weight.
I feel guilty when I go grocery shopping and spend too much money on
groceries—even if we need them.
I feel guilty when I leave a grocery store, carrying out only one bag of
ingredients that will last me but a single day.
I feel guilty when I make a luscious dinner with fabulous vegetables
and expensive grass-fed meat.
I feel guilty when I choose to make a cheap, simple dinner of pasta and
cheese, knowing full well I am not feeding my family what it needs.
I feel guilt when I shop at Trader Joe’s because it has so many irresistibly
items that it always makes for a high total which I accept by scribbling my
signature at the bottom of a very long receipt.
I feel guilty when I am at a independently owned health-food-store and know
I could get the same items at Trader Joe’s for so much less money.
I feel guilty when I spend money to pay the bills.
I feel guilty when the bills don’t get paid.
I feel guilty when I don’t open the pie truck.
I feel guilty when I’m at the pie truck late, because I should
be at home being a mother.
I feel guilty when I spend hours on this computer, carefully going
over each line in one of my books.
I feel guilty when one of my books sit unfinished, and only I can finish it.
I feel guilty spending time with just my husband<!– /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:"ＭＳ 明朝"; panose-1:0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0; mso-font-charset:128; mso-generic-font-family:roman; mso-font-format:other; mso-font-pitch:fixed; mso-font-signature:1 134676480 16 0 131072 0;} @font-face {font-family:"Cambria Math"; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:1; mso-generic-font-family:roman; mso-font-format:other; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:0 0 0 0 0 0;} @font-face {font-family:Cambria; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:auto; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-unhide:no; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"ＭＳ 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} .MsoChpDefault {mso-style-type:export-only; mso-default-props:yes; font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"ＭＳ 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} @page WordSection1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.WordSection1 {page:WordSection1;} —an evening off, out for a drink.
I feel guilty when I don’t make time to go out to eat, just the two of us, my husband and me.
I feel guilty when I make too many Christmas presents for the kids—I know
they would prefer mostly bought ones.<!– /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:"ＭＳ 明朝"; panose-1:0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0; mso-font-charset:128; mso-generic-font-family:roman; mso-font-format:other; mso-font-pitch:fixed; mso-font-signature:1 134676480 16 0 131072 0;} @font-face {font-family:"ＭＳ 明朝"; panose-1:0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0; mso-font-charset:128; mso-generic-font-family:roman; mso-font-format:other; mso-font-pitch:fixed; mso-font-signature:1 134676480 16 0 131072 0;} @font-face {font-family:Cambria; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:auto; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-unhide:no; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"ＭＳ 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} .MsoChpDefault {mso-style-type:export-only; mso-default-props:yes; font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"ＭＳ 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} @page WordSection1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.WordSection1 {page:WordSection1;} —
I feel guilty if I don’t make any Christmas presents, because what kind of follow
through person can I be if I don’t set aside time for that?
I feel guilty when I water my garden because why would I choose to grow plants that can’t exist all on their own and need me to pump water out of this dear mother planet we live on, so I can see colors and greenery to calm my soul.
I feel guilty when I let plants die and shrivel up into composted soil.
I feel guilty when I mow my lawn, the gas emissions are unnecessary just
like the wee patch of shorn blades that are supposed to be beautiful.
I feel guilt if my lawn grows too long, like I am a straggling, lazy being
who can’t keep up with my bidding.
I feel guilty when I feel guilty because gosh darn it I am supposed to
be enjoying life, not over analyzing my sorry feelings.
Oh to be human.
Anyone relate?
~ Marica
Wasabi Honey Bee 